For several months now, I have been desiring to get back to this monthly blog, in addition to my weekly blog, Donalacasa's Daybook. I think that my vision for the two blogs is that the Daybook would serve to report on what has been in the past week. Because I am an idealist and I spend a lot of time "in my head," The Lady of the House Blog will be a way to flesh out what I'm thinking and what I hope for.
A couple of Shabbat's ago, I opened up the service talking about the Scripture that says:
"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 132:23-24 (NKJV)
Later that same week, I was tested on that very thing. Some information given to me caused some anxiety to spring up. I couldn't eat. My sleep was affected. I didn't talk too much about it during the day. When my husband came home, I shared those anxious thoughts with him ("Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." - James 5:16 CJB). On the same day, the tragedy in Virginia was also unfolding so I feel like there was a lot of anxiety in the atmosphere, even though I only allow myself to catch the highlights of the news. Worry is a sin. Like any sin, it wants to live in secret in the dark. Sin has to be brought out into the open and exposed for it to die, which is why I shared it with my husband even though my fear was that he would chide me for how I was feeling (he didn't because he knows what anxiety is like). When people have issues with anxiety, sometimes our answer is to fuss at them. We have to recognize that even the strongest people spiritually have anxiety issues some times (Elijah always comes to mind in 1 Kings 19). Sometimes in spite of how strong your spirit is, your body does its own thing in response to stress and anxiety.
"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy." - Psalm 94:19 (CJB)
"I heard and my heart pounded, my lips quivered at the sound; decay crept into my bones, and my legs trembled. Yet I will wait patiently for the day of calamity to come on the nation invading us." - Habakkuk 3:16 (CJB)
Something else that is important to remember when anxiety comes upon you is to be careful about what you allow to come out of your mouth. When I am anxious about something, I usually try to become very quiet because I know the enemy is just waiting to pounce on something that I could say out of fear instead of faith.
"In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." - Job 1:22 (CJB)
"and grumbled in your tents, and said, ‘Because יהוה was hating us, He has brought us out of the land of Mitsrayim to give us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us." - Deuteronomy 1:27 (TS2009)
So, I went to bed that night and in spite of my best efforts (magnesium, melatonin, 5HTP, stretching), my sleep was still restless and incomplete.
Psalm 77:1-12 (CJB)
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted.I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked: “Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?” Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
Of course, this meant that I was tired the next day. When are we most susceptible to sin? When we are too hungry, too angry, too lonely, or too tired.
The next day, I again stayed rather quiet did some exercising and again made sure I would sleep well the next night. When I awoke the following morning, I felt that Yehovah was speaking to me about idols. There was a great debate going on on social media (that I did not participate in) about pulling down Confederate and slave owner statues. After my morning walk, I read this Scripture in Psalms:
"But our Elohim is in the heavens; Whatever pleased Him, He has done. Their idols are silver and gold, The work of men’s hands. They have mouths, but they do not speak; They have eyes, but they do not see; They have ears, but they do not hear; They have noses, but they do not smell; They have hands, but they do not handle; They have feet, but they do not walk; They make no sound through their throat. The ones who make them, shall become like them – All who trust in them. O Yisra’ĕl, trust in יהוה; He is their help and their shield." - Psalms 115:3-9 (TS2009)
While I am adamantly against revisionist history, I can't help thinking that those who cling to any statue of any person as being like those in these verses. "The ones who make them, shall become like them -- all who trust in them." A person who is dedicated to a confederate statue is inevitably dedicated to the morals and ideals of the confederacy. The same can be said of any statue and any ideology. But I think the deeper problem is that of idolatry itself. It reminded me of the Torah portion Re'eh. Deuteronomy 12:1-3 says, “These are the laws and right-rulings which you guard to do in the land which יהוה Elohim of your fathers is giving you to possess, all the days that you live on the soil. Completely destroy all the places where the nations which you are dispossessing served their mighty ones, on the high mountains and on the hills and under every green tree. And you shall break down their altars, and smash their pillars, and burn their Ashĕrim with fire. And you shall cut down the carved images of their mighty ones and shall destroy their name out of that place." While this verse could certainly be applied to the current events of our country, I really believe that Yah, at this moment was speaking to me about the idolatry in me that had caused my anxiety attack. We all have a seat of idolatry. Some of it is tangible, some intangible. Idolatry could be your career, your home, your children, your house, your beliefs, your political party, your color, your culture, ad nauseum. Your idol is whatever gets a rise out of you when it is threatened to be taken away or altered. He was trying to deal with what causes ME to swell up ("...Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me...). He had done JUST THAT. He showed me what I thought I could not see myself living without and He measured my response to it.
Donnie McClurkin sings a song called "I'll Trust You". In the beginning of the recording, before he begins to sing, he says:
"What if you call Me and don't feel Me near you? Will you still trust Me? What if I tell you to let go of the very thing that you think you have to hold. Will you trust Me?
(Yes! I'll trust You, [Yah]).
What if it costs my life?
(Yes, I'll trust You, [Yah].)
What if I lose the very thing I love so dearly?
(Yes, I'll trust You, [Yah].)
The enemy wants us to dwell on the single thought, "But what if it doesn't?" We have to flip the script on him, "But what if it does?" He wants to drain you so that you are in that vulnerable position (too hungry, too angry, too lonely, too tired) because then he can be free to take a swipe at you because of your own attitude. He berates you with a barrage of questions of doubt:
What if Yah doesn't come through?
(What if He does, as He has so many times before?)
What if your dreams don't come true?
(What if He has something better in store - exceedingly abundantly above all we could ask or think, as He has done so many times before?)
What if man says no?
(What if Yah says yes, as He has done so many times before?)
What if He doesn't love me enough to give me what I want?
(What if He gives me the desires of my heart and exactly what I need, as He has done so many times before?)
“Because he cleaves to Me in love, Therefore I deliver him; I set him on high, Because he has known My Name. “When he calls on Me, I answer him; I am with him in distress; I deliver him and esteem him."
Tehillim (Psalms) 91:14-15 TS2009
