Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Much Afraid and her Constant Companions Sorrow and Suffering

Priority #1 - My Relationship with My Creator, Elohim

"How happy the man whose strength is in you, in whose heart are [pilgrim] highways." Psalm 84:5 CJB

Have you ever read Hind's Feet on High Places? Sometimes I feel as if I am the protagonist Much Afraid and my companions, Sorrow and Suffering. The prophet Isaiah, in Isa. 53:3 CJB describes the then-coming Messiah as, "People despised and avoided him, a man of pains, well acquainted with illness. Like someone from whom people turn their faces, he was despised; we did not value him."

On top of my grief for my mother, I have to add isolation, betrayal, slander, and just plain foolishness. When my daughter died, it took me a while to get to the point where I asked the Lord, "Why me?" His answer came swiftly. "Why not you? Do you think that sorrow and suffering are something that happens to everyone BUT you?" I accepted my rebuke, but I agree with the psalmist in Psalm 55:4-8 CJB, "My heart within me is pounding in anguish, the terrors of death press down on me, fear and trembling overwhelm me, horror covers me. I said, "I wish I had wings like a dove! Then I could fly away and be at rest. Yes, I would flee to a place far off, I would stay in the desert. (Selah) I would quickly find me a shelter from the raging wind and storm.

I have not had much sleep. I pray for a good night's rest and prayer in the morning.

Priority #2 - My Relationship with My Husband

Friend Hubby introduced us to a great study today in service about the Hebrew roots of some biblical words that have either been translated wrongly or without the depth of the true meaning. Here is the introductory video:

He also share some on getting those middle of the night calls by the Holy Spirit to get up and pray. I'm going to try to spend more time praying and interceding for him this week. As knowledge and revelation have increased, so have attacks from the enemy. I am finding new life in the scripture Isaiah 54:17 AMP, "But no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall show to be in the wrong. This [peace, righteousness, security, triumph over opposition] is the heritage of the servants of the Lord [those in whom the ideal Servant of the Lord is reproduced]; this is the righteousness or the vindication which they obtain from Me [this is that which I impart to them as their justification], says the Lord." LOVE THIS!!!

Priority #3 - My Children

Psalm 127:4-5 "As arrows are in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. Happy, blessed, and fortunate is the man whose quiver is filled with them! They will not be put to shame when they speak with their adversaries [in gatherings] at the [city's] gate."

In spite of the circumstances, I'm glad that all my children were present for my mother's funeral. I'm glad of the way they conducted themselves in the face of relatives that don't speak and want to continue to propagate lies against our family. I will pray more this week for forgiveness for all of us and that the Lord will help us heal from the painful memories of that season.

Priority #4 - My Home

Okay, this is FlyLady's Flight Plan for this week. Let's pray that I can stick with it!

The first thing that I need to try to do is to establish regular sleep times, ideally in bed by 11 p.m. and awake at 7 a.m. (which I have already busted).

Priority #5 - Myself

I need a lot of emotional healing. I need to lose myself in a hobby or a project so that I can focus, when the time comes, on work and my family.

Priority #6 - My Ministry

I start a new job this week so I will have 1 account in the morning and 1 account in the evening. I pray that Adonai will help me to be faithful on both of them. Unfortunately, my iPod died so I will not be able to listen to teachings about this week's Torah portion, but hopefully, I will at least be able to listen to Daily Audio Bible to help me sleep Daily Audio Proverb as I do my morning routine.

This weeks Psalms readings are: Monday - Psalm 119:97-176; Tuesday - Psalm 120-134; Wednesday - Psalm 135-139; Thursday - Psalm 140-144; Friday - Psalm 145-150.

The Parasha are Exodus 25:1-27:19 (Torah),

I Kings 5:26-6:13 (Haftarah),

Apostolic Scriptures are: 2 Corinthians 8:12; 6:16;
Revelation 21:3; 11:19;
Hebrews 4:16; 8:1-6; 9:1–27; 10:1;
Matthew 5:14-16;
Revelation 1:12,20; 4:5
Ephesians 20:20–22;
Hebrews 10:19–22; 13:10–12

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Just Another Day that the Lord has Kept Me

Priority #1 - My Relationship with My Creator, Elohim

"O God, you are my God; I will seek you eagerly. My heart thirsts for you, my body longs for you in a land parched and exhausted, where no water can be found." Psalm 63:1

My mother passed away on Saturday afternoon after a 19-month battle with cholangiocarcinoma. Though our relationship had been estranged for over a year, last month we were able to speak peaceably to one another and express our love for each other. Though I probably could have, I decided against going to see her. She was always very proud of her physical appearance; the original Diva (smile). I chose to remember her the way she was when she was healthy. After watching my daughter die, watching my mother die was not something I wanted to do.

Today, I have needed to contend with some of my emotions about her passing. I have some sadness, but also some anger. William Shakespeare in Marc Antony's funeral oration for Julius Caesar said, "The evil that men do lives after them; The good is oft interred with their bones." I don't want to constantly remember the trouble between us. I want to get to the place of healing where I just remember the good and all the laughter.

Last week during prayer, Adonai (the Lord) spoke to us about idols. We have created idols in some of our relationships and when the "idol" fails to measure up, we are dejected and hurt. Some of us idolize our parents, our spouses, our children, our pastors. I have to accept that I didn't meet all of her expectations of me and she didn't meet all of mine of her. Yeshua (Jesus) warned us of such idolatry in our relationships in Matthew 10:37, "Whoever loves his father or mother more than he loves me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than he loves me is not worthy of me."

I also have to contend (spiritually) with those who don't understand this and feel as though they can stand as a judge in our relationship. There is only One righteous judge and I have pleaded my case with Him on a daily basis. Though some may want to condemn me on cultural standards and try to superimpose their relationships with their mothers on top of my relationship with my mother, before Him I have chosen to keep my mouth shut except to those whom I know to be people of prayer. I have refused to slander her or dishonor her with my mouth.

Gary Oliver said something on his Facebook page jumped out at me, "Move past the pain. Stop trying to make the event make sense and understand who you are in the event. There is some good to be gotten from what you have gone thru!" Abba, Father, help me find the good!

Priority #2 - My Relationship with My Husband

"The congregations in the province of Asia send greetings to you. Aquila and Priscilla greet you in union with the Lord, as does the congregation that meets in their house." I Corinthians 16:19

The Lord has blessed our fellowship to move out of a building and back into the home. I say blessed because it didn't make sense for us to try to continue pay exorbitant amounts of money for a building we were using only once a week. Acts 2:42, "They continued faithfully in the teaching of the emissaries, in fellowship, in breaking bread and in the prayers." Acts 2:46-47, "Continuing faithfully and with singleness of purpose to meet in the Temple courts daily, and breaking bread in their several homes, they shared their food in joy and simplicity of heart, praising God and having the respect of all the people. And day after day the Lord kept adding to them those who were being saved." We are in awe at how the members of our fellowship are growing in the Word and at the new people He is allowing us to meet new people and learn from them, even if they don't stay connected.

My husband and I are reading a book together called, "Fossilized Customs." Like anything else, you "eat the meat and throw away the bones," but it does have a lot of interesting facts on where some pagan customs we have incorporated into our worship. A lot of it is stuff we learned about back in Germany, but some of it is eye-opening. Because it involves "sacred cows," I am taking it with a grain of salt until I can confirm the same in the "mouth of 2 or 3 witnesses" by searching out other sources.

Priority #3 - My Children

Isaiah 54:13, "All your children will be taught by ADONAI; your children will have great peace."

Dancing Angel - May her memory be a blessing.

My Diva - We were able to get her a coffee maker so she can energize at the crack of 9:30 a.m., ;-) No early classes, but I tell her she and her suitemates keep vampire hours. I hope to get her some cookware soon so she can keep up her culinary skills and impress her friends.

Boy Wonder - Excited because he has been invited to compete in the Civil Air Patrol drill competition. I need to stand on a corner and hold up a sign "will work for gasoline." He's going to have to downtown for practice. At least he has friend hubby to help him who also won drill competitions when he was stationed at the AFA.

Princess Butterfly - Cleaned up in the area of Girl Scout badges this past semester. Her vest is weighted down. We've got to get out selling cookies door-to-door though if we want to try to make it to 1000 boxes before the end of the season. One thousand boxes means free Girl Scout camp this summer. Especially helpful since Boy Wonder will be attending both Boy Scout Camp and Civil Air Patrol encampment (either as a participant or staff) from now until he leaves for college.

Priority #4 - My Home

Proverbs 31:16, "She considers a field, then buys it, and from her earnings she plants a vineyard."

In the area of cleaning, I confess, I have been lacking. I'm going to need to pick up the pace.

In the area of cooking, we have been trying new things, especially since one who attends our fellowship is a vegetarian. Cutting back on meat has been something I wanted to try, but now I have more excuse to.

In the area of gardening (Yay, me!), I have gotten my first seedlings planted. I have some lettuce seedlings started out in the kitchen. I know people would laugh at us to see our little fledgling sprouts but growing our own food is new for us. I heard on the news the other day about gas getting up to $4 a gallon heading towards the summer. We are going into survivalist mode and learning new things on saving money and cutting back.

Priority #5 - Myself

Psalm 9:13, "Have mercy on me, ADONAI! See how I suffer from those who hate me; you raise me from the gates of death."

I read a discussion the other day that was entitled "What do you do for you?" I remained silent. I don't even exercise like I used to. I definitely need to do "me" more than I have been. I do feed my spirit in reading the word and listening to podcasts, but I don't do anything positive for my body, nor have I met with friends outside of my fellowship for a while. Even cleaning my house would be good exercise, if I would get to it. Especially since my bottom gets so sore from sitting while I am working. I have also been hiding from my hair stylist. I'm long overdue for a trim.

I was laid off from my job of 5 years earlier this month, but because the Lord had warned me ahead of time, I already had a new job before it happened. Next week I begin training for yet another new job (my account with my 1st new job is only an afternoon account, this one will be a morning account). I'm praying that I will be able to help us to dig out of this debt hole faster, especially before summer hits.

I hope that blogging more consistently will help me to pay attention more closely to the way I walk and get back to ordering my steps better.

Priority #6 - My Ministry

James 5:16, "Therefore, openly acknowledge your sins to one another, and pray for each other, so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."

I confess that other than our Tuesday prayer meeting, I have been negligent in personal prayer. Probably because of painful issues that I don't want to deal with. Correction in that area is needed as well, and yet, there is so much to pray for it seems overwhelming. Pray for me.