I am a wife to one man that I have loved for 30+ years. I am a mom to three living, active, competitive, very social homeschooled and college attending children. I am a pastor's wife of a congregation that meets weekly in my home. I am a full time employee. I am a mentor to women who are are walking through any of the above life journeys. I constantly try to make myself available to as many people as I can on a daily basis for 364 days of the year. I counsel, I pray, I teach.
The one day that I keep for myself is December 25th. If you have read my blog for any length of time, you know our family doesn't celebrate Christmas, as we believe the Messiah was born during the Festival of Sukkot, which occurs in the fall.
On December 25th, I turn my phone all the way down. I don't hear any text message notifications. If anyone calls, I don't answer. That's not completely true. I do answer for one person. She and I have walked hand in hand through grief. When we suffer a loss, we usually turn to one another as the only other person who truly understands, doesn't give platitudes, and allows one another to be as expressive of our grief as we want to be.
On December 25th, I'm afraid I am not very reverent, holy, or nice. I do try to keep my mouth shut and recognize that at least my immediate family shares the grief of this day. One loses all sense of humor, another posts angry words on social media, but we do at least TRY to consider that each of us feels the pain of our loss in our own way. The younger ones just try to stay out of the way of the older ones. We certainly don't want to wound well-meaning people who don't understand.
On December 25th, 1989, my husband and I became parents for the first time. Our firstborn Dancing Angel changed our whole way of living. Like all first time parents, we thought every single thing she did was amazing. She very happy and very healthy until December 2002 when she suddenly became very ill for three weeks and then in January 2003, suddenly died of a brain tumor she had been diagnosed with 72 hours earlier. She had just turned 13 years old.
If December 25th, 1989 changed who we were, then January 15, 2003 changed us yet again. We became a family that flies in missing man formation. Have we moved forward with life? Absolutely. We have had and are looking forward to achievements, graduations, and other celebrations.
But on one day of the year, December 25th. We are different. I am different. On that day, I acknowledge the hole in my heart that was created the day she left us. I acknowledge that I wish life had turned out different for us. I acknowledge that each of us bears our grief in our own way. I don't like to give much attention to January 15th, although I know it exists. I know what happened on that day, but I choose to give more attention to the day she was given and not the day she was taken away. December 25th was HER day in our family. We didn't give attention to January 15th when she was here, I see no reason to give it special significance now. That's one reason why my grieving friend calls me on December 25th and I call her on May 11th. We acknowledge that our children were born and they lived, no matter how short that time was.
On December 25th, I am sad. I am angry. I am hurting. I want to hit things. I want to yell, scream, and cuss. I don't, but I want to. I am a bereaved mother. I grieve much because I love much.
On December 26th, I will go back to being wife, mother, mentor. I will bow my heart and give thanks to Elohim for all His wonderful gifts, including the one that was given and taken away, blessed be He. I will also thank Him for giving me December 25th.
Priority #1 - My Relationship with My Creator, Elohim
"How happy the man whose strength is in you, in whose heart are [pilgrim] highways." Psalm 84:5 CJB
Have you ever read Hind's Feet on High Places? Sometimes I feel as if I am the protagonist Much Afraid and my companions, Sorrow and Suffering. The prophet Isaiah, in Isa. 53:3 CJB describes the then-coming Messiah as, "People despised and avoided him, a man of pains, well acquainted with illness. Like someone from whom people turn their faces, he was despised; we did not value him."
On top of my grief for my mother, I have to add isolation, betrayal, slander, and just plain foolishness. When my daughter died, it took me a while to get to the point where I asked the Lord, "Why me?" His answer came swiftly. "Why not you? Do you think that sorrow and suffering are something that happens to everyone BUT you?" I accepted my rebuke, but I agree with the psalmist in Psalm 55:4-8 CJB, "My heart within me is pounding in anguish, the terrors of death press down on me, fear and trembling overwhelm me, horror covers me. I said, "I wish I had wings like a dove! Then I could fly away and be at rest. Yes, I would flee to a place far off, I would stay in the desert. (Selah) I would quickly find me a shelter from the raging wind and storm.
I have not had much sleep. I pray for a good night's rest and prayer in the morning.
Priority #2 - My Relationship with My HusbandFriend Hubby introduced us to a great study today in service about the Hebrew roots of some biblical words that have either been translated wrongly or without the depth of the true meaning. Here is the introductory video:
He also share some on getting those middle of the night calls by the Holy Spirit to get up and pray. I'm going to try to spend more time praying and interceding for him this week. As knowledge and revelation have increased, so have attacks from the enemy. I am finding new life in the scripture Isaiah 54:17 AMP, "But no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall show to be in the wrong. This [peace, righteousness, security, triumph over opposition] is the heritage of the servants of the Lord [those in whom the ideal Servant of the Lord is reproduced]; this is the righteousness or the vindication which they obtain from Me [this is that which I impart to them as their justification], says the Lord." LOVE THIS!!!
Priority #3 - My Children
Psalm 127:4-5 "As arrows are in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. Happy, blessed, and fortunate is the man whose quiver is filled with them! They will not be put to shame when they speak with their adversaries [in gatherings] at the [city's] gate."
In spite of the circumstances, I'm glad that all my children were present for my mother's funeral. I'm glad of the way they conducted themselves in the face of relatives that don't speak and want to continue to propagate lies against our family. I will pray more this week for forgiveness for all of us and that the Lord will help us heal from the painful memories of that season.
Priority #4 - My Home
Okay, this is FlyLady's Flight Plan for this week. Let's pray that I can stick with it!
The first thing that I need to try to do is to establish regular sleep times, ideally in bed by 11 p.m. and awake at 7 a.m. (which I have already busted).
Priority #5 - Myself
I need a lot of emotional healing. I need to lose myself in a hobby or a project so that I can focus, when the time comes, on work and my family.
Priority #6 - My Ministry
I start a new job this week so I will have 1 account in the morning and 1 account in the evening. I pray that Adonai will help me to be faithful on both of them. Unfortunately, my iPod died so I will not be able to listen to teachings about this week's Torah portion, but hopefully, I will at least be able to listen to Daily Audio Bible to help me sleep Daily Audio Proverb as I do my morning routine.
This weeks Psalms readings are: Monday - Psalm 119:97-176; Tuesday - Psalm 120-134; Wednesday - Psalm 135-139; Thursday - Psalm 140-144; Friday - Psalm 145-150.
The Parasha are Exodus 25:1-27:19 (Torah),
I Kings 5:26-6:13 (Haftarah),
Apostolic Scriptures are: 2 Corinthians 8:12; 6:16;
Revelation 21:3; 11:19;
Hebrews 4:16; 8:1-6; 9:1–27; 10:1;
Matthew 5:14-16;
Revelation 1:12,20; 4:5
Ephesians 20:20–22;
Hebrews 10:19–22; 13:10–12
